Archive | 2:24 pm

Anthony Ingle

17 Jul

This is a bit of a downer, I know. My first loved passed away on Sunday the 11th. I found out on Tuesday & I have been pretty out of sorts since then. Our entire relationship has been on loop in my head & I just can’t articulate the way that I’m feeling. I can however tell the story. I posted this to Facebook & thought I ought to have it here as well…

This helped when my friend Chris passed. I’m gonna try to get the grieving right out of the way. I’ve gone back & forth a hundred times since I started writing this last night whether I would/should post it or not. I don’t have mutual friends with Anthony. & the friends that saw me through this relationship either devised plans for “Squash that Ant” t-shirts or were actually googling where he lived to kick his ass. Those that didn’t know me through this period of my life will read this & think I’m nuts (not that everyone who was there doesn’t think the same thing.) But it happened. It’s why I am who I am today.

I saw this one coming. I shouldn’t be too upset.

My relationship with Anthony Ingle had all the signs of BAD from the very beginning.

I was freshly 17. Working on campus at the bookstore. The summer session just began & I was off to the UC to get my usual veggie burger. There was a cuuuute blonde boy behind the counter. He had headphones in & was jamming out – completely oblivious to my presence. When he finally turned around I went all giggly flutter. We talked & he grilled me up what I continued to swear was the best veggie burger ever. Special grilling technique? haha. I went back squealing to the bookstore telling a friend “omg! there was a cute guy working in the UC & he was majorly flirting with me!!!” my friend says “the blonde one? he’s just friendly. He was doing it to me the other day” I of course thought “whatever bitch. he was just being friendly with YOU he was flirting with me & he was flirting with me on purpose. suck it!” & of course HE WAS. He came into the store everyday after.

We were three 2.5 hour phone conversations in when I had lunch with him on campus. The conversation got to “so whats your longest relationship” “8 years” “wow you were practically married” “actually, I was” *dies a little* “jesus got any kids too!?!” “yeah 2” *whips out christmas picture & I continue to die of anger, youth, stupidity & the impossibility of it all now*

My mom freaked about the age at first. But then again I was in college & 2 semesters away from graduating. The girl I was hanging out with everyday was 25… what was a 26 yr old? I mean realllyyyy? (I kept the offspring tidbit from her for… a lonnnnng time 🙂

After about 4 months though it became clear to me & everyone close to me that he was more bad news than being too old & too experienced. By the end my mom did every legal thing she could to keep me from him & had it gone any longer I’m quite sure she would have risked the law & chained me in the garage. This was honestly the first time in my life I rebelled in any way. & since I was going for it I went big. I’d go “shopping with Deanna” & run to his house to watch a movie. I’d switch work shifts so I could sit in the catering kitchen to watch him work. I was fucking awful. But ohhhh young love! The universe knew it was bad too. That’s why I would get my first speeding ticket in the middle of BFE on the way to his house when I was forbidden to see him. (that was fun. I was under 18 so I HAD to go to court. & when was the court date? my brothers birthday. I really thought my mom was going to die) Way to go Jaz.

So yes he had two kids. Yes it all seemed ridiculous. But for a little while it worked. We had grand plans at one time. I mean I was a pretend mom already. What were thoughts of being a wife too? Practically nothing. I like taking care of things. Making boys realize their worth & potential. That’s just what I did.

We lived together for a month & the day before my 18th birthday, you know when all these wonderful life plans were supposed to start, Anthony was gone. By my own power, but the hell that had to break loose for my senses to come out of hibernation… jesus.

& Even then, after 9 months of chaos there were 3 months of random meetings. phone calls. That boy broke me. Showed my young young mind what love was. & then broke me. Like I’ve never been broken. Broken like I don’t think I could ever be again. That physical kind of heartbreak? yeah, that.

We both had addictive personalities. He was mine, & for him, he had other things.

Finally ties were cut sometime in October 08 when he called while I was out with a new bf. A stable boyfriend at the time. It was then that I realized “wtf is this? wtf was I thinking? god I’m young & stupid” (I literally said these things to myself)

We went two years without talking.

I got a friend request the second week of June this year. I always imagined I’d be getting married & look who would be working for the catering company “That’s right look at me all blissful & with a charming stand up chap! suckaaaa” (more or less). That didn’t work out exactly so. But he called & we talked. We talked for a while. About everything. He caught me up on the kids. I was able to relive his breakdown upon learning that little Allie was in a training bra! TRAINING BRA?!?! 9?!?! wtf?!! How do I feel old already? He reassured me of myself & who I am & what makes me great. He said everything you would want an ex boyfriend to say when you just added another to the list. He apologized for everything that had happened & i was able to forgive him. I never ever once doubted his love for me. He just didnt know how to love himself.

He sounded so good when I talked to him. Part of me really thought he was back on track like he said he was. But I guess I always wanted to think those things with him. He was so talented it frustrated the fuck out of me his lack of concern. I wonder if he reached out to me because he knew this was coming? At this point I don’t know how he died. But I wonder. He hated everything to do with the internet. He could barely work his ipod. Why facebook just a month before he passed? Maybe it’s just the universe again. I always wondered what he was up to over the years. Sometimes I would google him. Search the Chattanooga Times Free Press, etc. Actually when I accepted his friend request my comment was “wow! You’re alive!” Seriously. & you know what, it’s still on the page. Before you even load more posts, it’s there at the very bottom before his last few statuses & then many goodbyes. fml.

When I found out last night the only thing I could think to do was run. The same thing I would do when he’d go missing for a night. I would go and just run. & so I did. I ran harder & faster than I think I ever had. No one has ever made me cry as much as that man, & now even after he is gone I’m still crying over him.

I went to the service today. The moment I walked into the room his sister locked eyes with me. She hugged me & told me how glad she was that I came, how she was worried I wouldn’t find out & how their mom had asked about me. She took me to her mom & she smiled so happy. Andra brought Allie over & I hugged her. 4th grade already. Mason doubled in size & what do you know was rocking a mohawk. Damn that man could make gorgeous babies. Precious gorgeous little people now.

To some extent I am happy for Allie & Mason. Hopefully they will have more fond memories of their dad losing him young. They didn’t have to spend their entire childhoods watching him self destruct. Even a year ruined me a little.

RIP Anthony. You taught me love, you taught me compassion, you taught me to know my limits & you taught me in some fucked up way how to respect myself & learn what I really want & deserve. (you also taught me a lot of other things 😉 but I shouldn’t be joking right now)

Thank you. I hope you’re at peace now.